Fraser: In Canada we have more than a passing familiarity with confusion. We're comprised of 10 provinces and two territories communicating accross 6 time zones in 2 official languages. The English don't understand the French, the French don't understand the English, and the Inuit quite frankly couldn't give a damn about either of them. Added to the equation is the Assembly of First Nations, with a total of 633 separate Indian bands, speaking 180 sub-dialects among their 50 linguistic groups; and as if that weren't enough there are some fishermen on the East coast with a remarkably whimsical accent.

Fraser: It's easier to think you're in love than it is to accept that you're alone.

Due South

BATMAN: A wife, no matter how beauteous or affectionate, would severely impair my crimefighting.

BATMAN: I'll do everything I can to rehabilitate you.
CATWOMAN: Marry me.
BATMAN: Everything except that.

BATMAN: How did you know that Robin and I might be in trouble at this glue factory?
BATGIRL: Through the one thing you couldn't possibly have in your utility belt, Batman. A woman's intuition.

BARBARA: I didn't know you were a student of the classics.
ROBIN: Batman teaches me a little poetry in between remanding criminals to jail.
BATMAN: Enough prose and cons, Robin.

ROBIN: Gosh, Batman, is there anything you don't know?
BATMAN: Oh, yes, Robin. Several things, in fact.

ROBIN: Where'd you get a live fish, Batman?
BATMAN: The true crimefighter always carries everything he needs in his utility belt, Robin.

ROBIN: Holy molars! Am I ever glad I take good care of my teeth!
BATMAN: True. You owe your life to dental hygiene.

SHAME: Your mother wore army shoes.
BATMAN: Yes, she did. As I recall, she found them quite comfortable.

BATMAN: It won't be long until you are old enough to get a driver's license, Robin, and you'll be able to drive the Batmobile and other vehicles. Remember, motorist safety.

GORDON: Batman and Robin not available! You know what this means, don't you?
O'HARA: If you're thinking what I'm afraid you're thinking...
GORDON: Precisely, Chief O'Hara. The moment we've dreaded for years has arrived. This time, we're going to have to solve a case... ourselves.

Penguin: Here comes the bride, all bagged and tied!

Batman: Just a second while I retrieve my beanie, my hair, my tweezers, and my notes.

-*BATMAN 1966-1968

DREW: Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group for that. It's called everybody, and they meet at the bar.

DREW: Violence doesn't solve anything? World War I. World War II. Star Wars. Every Super Bowl. Who says violence doesn't solve anything?!

-The Drew Carey Show

Emma:
All around the cobbler's bench
The monkey chased the weasel
The monkey thought 'twas all in fun
Pop -- goes the weasel!
A penny for a spool of thread
A penny for a needle
That's the way the money goes
Pop -- goes the weasel!

Lennox, "I could have sworn you were a blond."

Lennox: "Emma said she had spent so much of her life pretending to be other people, she thought she’d disappear."

Lennox: "Beware the grieving man and his bottle."

Sydney: "I can actually go to the CIA through the front door."
Vaughn: "And I can actually give you a ride."

Weiss: "Do you like Italian food?"
Agent Phillips: "I have a boyfriend."
Weiss: "So do I."

Vaughn to Sydney: "We do have an oven you know, we can reheat."

Alias, "Double Agent: Toil & Trouble"

Kate: This guy could go to jail tomorrow and still kill her in her dreams every night. I've put a few of these creeps away and the hardest thing is to know that he's still winning. She's still afraid. He took her power away and no one can get it back but her.

It's through the pain that we find the truth of who we are. It strips us of our defenses; we are made innocent again like children. I like children Angel. I'm here to help you find that innocence, here, with the light.
(...)
Most things that live and breathe hate the dark and love the light. We're different though aren't we? We hate the light of day and it hates us back in kind.
-Vampire Torturer, ANGEL, the TV series


Cordelia: See? You can save the damsel *and* make great money. Is this a great country, or what?
Doyle: Hey, let's march down to the bank right now and deposit this beauty (refering to their first paycheck).
Angel: You guys go on. I think I'll stay here and *not* burst into flames.
Doyle: Oh, right, you're pretty much the night-deposit guy.
ANGEL, "Buffy the Vampire Slayer" spin-off

Buffy: I was just thinking about the life of a pumkin. Growing up in the sun, happily entwined with others, then someone comes along cuts you open and rips your guts out.
Sander: Okay, on that happy note.

Spivey: I heard it was suicide.
Kate: Supervisor Caffrey shot himself?
Spivey: It happens.
Kate: In the back of the head? Wrapped himself in plastic and he locked himself in the trunk of his car?
Spivey: He'd been depressed.


Spike:You're not friends. You'll never be friends. You'll be in love til it kills you both. You'll fight, and you'll shag, and you'll hate each other til it makes you quiver, but you'll never be friends. Love isn't brains, children. It's blood. Blood screaming inside you to work its will. I may be love's bitch, but at least I'm man enough to admit it.

Buffy the Vampire Slayer Quote Page

That's the funny thing about memory, isn't it? We are not what we remember of ourselves, we are what people say we are. They project upon us their convictions. We are nothing but blank screens.
AEON FLUX, "Reraisure"

Phoebe: We can be guys! Come on, let us be guys!
Chandler: You don't want to be guys, you'd be all hairy and you wouldn't live as long.

Rachel: I can't believe one of us has one of these.
Chandler:I know. I still am one of these.
-[About Ross' new baby],
FRIENDS

Lorelai: Yeah. I found everything -- including a couple coupling.

Luke: Rory and Jess?

Lorelai: No, Ben and J. Lo. Yes, Rory and Jess.

Luke: I guess I should have told you.

Lorelai: You knew they were up there?

Luke: They’re up there all the time.

Lorelai: On the couch. Horizontal, on the couch.

Luke: They come up for air every so often.

Lorelai: And you allow this. Luke!

Luke: Settle down. I go up there every ten minutes pretending to get something to keep them from doing something we don’t want. ‘Oops! I forgot my pocketknife.’ ‘Oops! Uh, I’m out of ones.’ ‘Hey -- have you seen a case of mustard up here?’ I put the stuff in a box, I take the box upstairs every couple days and start all over again.

Lorelai: Do you think that suffices?

Luke: Look, it’s better that they’re safe and upstairs than someplace else. And you going up there right now saved me a trip. So, thanks.

Lorelai: Glad to be of service.

Luke: I got a good system. It works.

Lorelai: Every ten minutes?

Luke: Like clockwork. Never a minute more.

Lorelai: Even if you’re serving a customer, it’s every ten minutes?

Luke: If I’m in midpour, I stop and go up.

Lorelai Ten minutes. Yep, that’s about the time it took to create Rory. And that included getting dressed and freshening my lipstick.

Luke: What?

Lorelai: Thanks for the book.

Luke: Cesar, cover for me.
-Gilmore Girls, "Swan Song: Looking for trouble"

Pembleton: This is the one part of the job I hate.
Bayliss: What...you hate guns and you're a cop?
Pembleton: "I'm my brothers keeper", that's why I'm a cop.
Bayliss: Yeah, well...that's very noble.
(...)
Bayliss: Wow...death is so weird. It's like you just squeeze a trigger and kill a person, with so little effort. What's that like, to be so empty of passion, to take a life in your hands and just, pop, pop, pop. No fear of hell. No fear of lethal injection. No fear at all.
-Det. Frank Pembleton and Det. Tim Bayliss

I'm telling you man, it's the weirdest rush of your life. Putting your lips over the mouth of a dying man and sucking in their last breath. After that I usually feel like having a beer.
-spoken by a serial murderer (this quote and the one below are from the same episode)

Bayliss: Is he (refering to the young boy) doing okay?
The Father: Oh, yeah..he's, he's really shook up. All he wants to do is go back and stare at the body some more. What is it with kids and dead things?
Bayliss: Too young to be afraid I guess.
-Det. Tim Bayliss and the man that found the body that the murderer (above) spoke over

Murderers lie because they got to. Witnesses lie because they think they got to. And everybody else lies for the sheer joy of it.
-Det. Meldrick Lewis,"Son of a Gun," Season 1


Bayliss: You know, I was going to be a doctor. I was pre-med and everything.
Pembleton: Really? What happened?
Bayliss: Ah, things change, circumstances, money...it would have been so great though. I really wanted to help people, save lives--I knew that I could benefit society in some great way doing that. In a way, it's a glorious job.
Pembleton: You don't think being a cop benefits society--taking killers off the streets?
Bayliss: It's great, don't get me wrong, but we're talking the other side of the spectrum. Actually being in an emergency room, saving the lives of the innocent victims for a change instead hanging around searching for scum. Doctors have more nobility.
Pembleton: I don't agree. Hey, if you want glory go to "ER". I'm happy here at "Homicide".
-Kindly donated by Phil Cardenas
"That last quote was quite the rib of "ER", which everyone genuflected for, while "Homicide" squandered in ratings hell, trying to get an audience."
Homicide: Life on the Streets

Lila White (the posh mother of a seriel killer): I understand that you people don't make any real money and for that you get to deal with filth all day.
Elliot Stabler:All shapes and sizes. (as he stares at her like she's filth)


I told her she was better off without him. Women are always better off when left to their own mechanical devices. I'm sure you know what I mean.
-a waitress interviewed about a case
Law and Order: Special Victimes Unit

If dad had to shot somebody, why couldn't it have been her (her mother)? Did my saying that shock you? Good. Writers are suppose to shock people. We say witty and uncontroled things that rip the shroud off of decaying society and expose it for what it is. Well, that's the idea anyway.
-Sarah
THE MAXX

I'll tell you something, whether you admit it or not, everybody has a dark side and when you are violated, the best among us try to maintain a level of decency, but sometimes however you're pushed. You're confronted with a situation where you have to dig down into that part of yourself you wish did not exist, in order to survive or help others survive. When you sacrifice what you believe in, even if it's for a split second, but after that moment has passed you still have the memory to deal with and it's like a shadow that seams to always be there, and the people that live in it never knew a shadow could weigh so much and the bitch of it is that the only thing that could fix it is time, passing by, so you move on.

...

Any man should be as good as his word. You can measure a man by comparing the promises he made with the promises he kept, but in determination to keep his word no man can discard the other qualities by which he can also be measured. Perservirence and resolve are never suitable substitutes for kindness and compassion, even when there are promises to keep. No matter what the circumstances we all do well to remember this, even when there are too many miles to go before you sleep.

...

As we move into the hours between darkness and dawn, let's take a moment to reflect, say a prayer for all those lost souls destined to wander the face of this great land of ours. Those who have been cheated by life, those who have been left alone and forsaken, abandoned and ravaged by their dreams. The ones who get lost along the way.

MIDNIGHT CALLER *This was a TV series from the mid to late 1980's. It involved a late night radio announcer getting into interesting situations and doing his show. Every episode ended with a monologue (the excerpts that I have) about the lesson or moral of that evening.

[Frasier tries to comfort Daphne who's unhappy with her love life.]
Frasier: I know how bleak these times can be, but believe me, they will come to an end sometime or later. I remember a time back in Boston, I was going through exactly what you're going through now. Just a week later I met a lovely barmaid, sophisticated if a bit loquacious. We fell madly in love and we got engaged... 'course, she left me standing at the altar. The point is, I didn't give up. I took my poor battered heart and handed it to Lilith... Then in her little Cuisinart, she hit the pur»e button. I rebounded, and look how far I've got. I'm divorced, lonely, living with my father.

[After his first day of work]
FRASIER: In the last week, I've uprooted myself from my home of fifteen years, moved all the way across the country away from everything I care about, and plunged myself into a frightening new career! The first few nerve-wracking moments, I walk in here and find my producer lobbying to get herself transferred to another show! Abe Lincoln had a brighter future when he picked up his tickets at the box office!

Frasier: Six months ago, I was living in Boston. My wife had left me, which was very painful. Then she came back to me, which was excruciating. On top of that, my practice had grown stagnant, and my social life consisted of hanging around a bar night after night. You see, I was clinging to a life that wasn't working, and I knew I had to do something, anything. So I ended the marriage once and for all, packed up my things, and moved back here to my hometown of Seattle. Go Seahawks.

FRASIER: Won't they go green with envy when I top them all with this story of my life: Frasier Crane, unattached, unemployed and living with his father. He spends his days scrubbing his oven and is anxiously awaiting his upcoming tooth cleaning.

NILES: Hello, this is Dr. Niles Crane filling in for my ailing brother, Dr. Frasier Crane. Although I feel perfectly qualified to fill Frasier's radio shoes, I should warn you that while Frasier is a Freudian, I am a Jungian. So there'll be no blaming Mother today.

[Frasier complains he does not like to hug.]
Roz: I read somewhere that if you have physical contact on a regular basis, it can actually extend your life.
Frasier: Well in that case, you should outlive Styrofoam.

CAITLIN: I cut out alcohol last year, along with processed sugar, dairy products and meat. Oh! I hope I'm not screwing up your menu. What are you serving?
FRASIER: Well, so far, parsley and curvy orange slices.

NILES: I want to prove that I'm strong and independent, and I can't do that alone.

FRASIER: You know the expression "Living well is the best revenge"?
NILES: Wonderful expression. I just don't know how true it is, you don't see it turning up in a lot of opera plots. "Ludwig, maddened by the poisoning of his entire family, wreaked vengeance on Gunther in the third act by living well."

FRASIER: Roz, is this the dress you're wearing to the wedding?
ROZ: I have to. I'm a bridesmaid.
FRASIER: Is there a reason it has to be so...
ROZ: Hideous? It's supposed to be. So that way, the bride, by comparison, will glow! Next to this baby, she'll light up like a bug zapper.

NILES: I'll have a double capuccino, half-caf, nonfat milk, with enough foam to be asthetically pleasing but not to leave me with a moustache.

ROZ: I'd like to get my hands on the moron who invented these. I mean, think about it. You take a grape, dry it out until it becomes this gross, disgusting, wrinkled little thing that no one could possibly want to eat, and then cover it with perfectly good chocolate.

Roz: If you want to know if a man is cheating, you offer him two choices for dinner. One that's rich and fattening, and one that's light and sensible. If he picks the one that's calorie-packed, he doesn't mind turning into a bloated pig, which means he's happily married and you're in the clear. If he picks the diet plate, it means he's staying in shape for his main squeeze, and you should get yourself a lawyer who can sue the sweat off a racehorse.

DAPHNE: There's nothing more exciting than a first date. All those questions which people ask. What's your favorite food? What's your favorite color? If you could come back as any animal, what would it be and why? If you were asked that, what would you say?
FRASIER: "Check, please" comes to mind.

FRASIER: So are you suggesting that I go along and pretend I'm enjoying myself in something that gives me no pleasure at all just to hear the words I love you?
DAPHNE: Why not? Women have been doing it for centuries.

FRASIER: You are now the proud owner of a rugged, ram-tough, all-terrain pickup truck.
NILES: It occurred to me we could use it to go antiqueing.

NILES (while playing a video game): I can't seem to get out of this room. Is this some sort of advanced level?
FREDERICK: No, this is like the training level. I didn't even know you could die here!

MARTIN: It's the custom plates I ordered for my Winnebago. Yeah! Fifty bucks, but I think it says it all!
FRASIER (reading): Rd... wrr... r.
DAPHNE: Rid worrier?
FRASIER: Red wearer?
MARTIN: Oh for God's sake, Road Warrior!
DAPHNE: Of course - a retired man with a cane in a Winnebago. I don't know why my mind didn't go straight to it.

FRASIER: It must be pretty disappointing to hear for the first time that your dad's not perfect.
FREDERICK: It's not the first time. You couldn't fix my computer, you thought Venus was the North Star, and I've seen you run.

-*FRASIER

Olivia: Don't be impertinent. (after an argument)
Pan: Don't you talk to me like that. I'm not your lackey. We're all equal here.
Olivia: Equally barbaric.
Pan: Well, I think it's fairly civilized. The only duty you owe is honesty and fairness. The only debts are those you acquire yourself.
Olivia: Reasonable philosophy if you're not fighting a war.
Pan: Wars are created for the convenience of heros and martyrs, I am neither.
Olivia: What are your tails of daring do if not to set yourself up as a hero?
Pan: Well every man wants a test of character, but don't think killing another man is the best way of doing that.
Olivia: If you believe that's what this war is about you are assuming that the rest of the world is narrow minded and selfish as you are.
NOTHING TOO GOOD FOR A COWBOY

Since I found out about Max, Michel and Isabelle, I've been thinking a lot about secrets. That for everyone who has a secret there's someone else who needs to know what that secret is. How sometimes secrets keep people from feeling they belong and sometimes secrets make you feel like you do belong. And now even I, Liz Parker, the smallest of the small town girls, with the simplest of lives, even I have something to hide.
- Liz Parker
ROSWELL

Odo: Aren't you paranoid?
Way Yung #6: Of course I'm paranoid, everyone is out to kill me.

Garak: Telling the truth is just an excuse for lack of imagination.
-Star Trek: Deep Space Nine

Life is like a box of chocolates, a cheap, thoughtless, perfunctory gift that nobody ever asked for. Unreturnable because all you get back is another box of chocolates. So you're stuck with this undefinable, whipped, mint crap that you mindlessly wolf down when there's nothing else left to eat. Sure, once in a while there's a peanut butter cup or english toffee but they're gone too fast and the taste is fleeting. Then you end up with nothing but broken bits filled with hardened jelly and teeth shattering nuts. And if you eat those all you've got left is an empty box filled with useless, brown paper wrappers.
-Cancer Man
THE X-FILES, "Musings of a Cigarette Smoking Man"

Xena: You are who you pretend to be. So you better pretend to be someone you can live with.
XENA: The WARRIOR PRINCES

I found some of these great quotes from Lauren's page.

Also visit Great TV Quotes