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Sex! Sex! Sex!
Why we love to watch.
      by Rachel Hyland

Birds do it. Bees do it. Even 24th-century androids with no human emotions do it... and I defy you to get that tune out of your head by the end of this article.

To what am I alluding here, you wonder? What on God's green Earth could I possibly be referring to in such an oblique manner? It couldn't be anything as crass and commercial as... sex could it?

Hell, yes!

Sex! Sex, people. That's what it's all about. Even in genre. Even in television shows about conspiracy, evil, the past and the future -- not to mention that whole political allegory thing that they think is so clever -- the main points of interest to most of us are who is doing whom, or soon will be. Whether it's the unresolved sexual tension of The X-Files' Mulder (David Duchovny) and Scully (Gillian Anderson), or the renewed passion of Now and Again's Michael (Eric Close) and Lisa (Margaret Colin), all of our favourite genre shows inevitably delve somewhere into Red Shoe Diaries territory (speaking of Mulder), and we just love it.

Come on, be honest. Sure, it's not the only reason we watch. There's the... the... well, I'll think of it in a minute. And, before you non-shippers and hard-core technicians start to get all cranky with me here, yes, I am joking. Of course there are other reasons we watch. Smart storylines, amusing dialogue, great clothes, attractive people in great clothes, attractive people in great clothes kissing...

What was my point again?

The fact is, most of us just adore it when characters, be they ever so enlightened, serious or dedicated, come apart at the seams as a result of some good, long, hard... character development. We await anxiously each longing gaze, each tender glance, each enchanted smile, and we smile right along with them when, at last, the creators get it all right. When the girl finally gets the guy, or the girl -- or the alien -- and, as we cut to a commercial, we just know that for one brief instant, our heroes are actually happy.

Not that it ever lasts long.

No, because as much as we love seeing our beloved world-savers and ass-kickers going in for some well-needed stress relief, we don't seem to like them getting it too easily. Apparently what the people want is angst, and lots of it -- which is clearly impossible if those relied upon to do the angsting are actually getting any. As Yoda might have said, had he happened to think of it: suffering leads to story arcs. Story arcs lead to ratings points. Ratings points lead to future episodes. Future episodes lead to more suffering...

And no one knows the best application of this complicated formula better than one Mr. Joss Whedon. It really almost needs not be stated -- except that I enjoy the obvious and wish to subject you all to same -- but Whedon, creator of Buffy and Angel and all around asset to the species, seems to have issues. Sexual issues. Big ones.

It has often been observed that sex in the Buffy-verse always leads to badness, and that is none the less true for having been plagiarized from a million different sources. Let us examine the evidence: Buffy (Sarah Michelle Gellar) and Angel (David Boreanaz) had sex, and she made him so happy that he turned horribly evil the morning after. Xander (Nicholas Brendon) and Faith (Eliza Dushku) had sex, and she later tried to kill him. Willow (Alyson Hannigan) and Oz (Seth Green) had sex, and he got wolfy with some freak-child Star Search reject before leaving poor Willow all broken-hearted and un-Willow-y. And from the home office in Ickville, California, must I mention that Joyce (Kristine Sutherland) and Giles (Anthony Stewart Head) actually had sex in public one time. In fact, twice. If that's not badness right there, then I don't know what is. I mean, Joyce?!

Ahem. There's more.

Buffy, new in college and recently abandoned by her commitment-shy true love, had sex with pretty-boy Parker, and while he didn't turn out to be a demon, he did turn out to be a... guy. Bastard. Xander, new in his basement, got man-handled by ex-demon Anya and had to listen to her discuss their plentiful orgasms in front of his friends. Spike (James Marsters) had sex with Harmony and had to... well, have sex with Harmony. And I don't even want to go into what happened over on Angel, except to say that if Cordelia (Charisma Carpenter), after her one-night stand with a demon-worshipping proxy, didn't end up with some hellish stretchmarks, I shall be very much surprised.

So, in Buffy, sex, like beer, is bad. Which is what makes it so gosh-darned good. But what about in some other genre shows? Surely someone out there is happily getting a happy. Right?

Let's start with that unlikeliest of places, The X-Files. Not because I think there's a chance that we will find any happiness going on there (Heaven forbid), but because I'm pretty sure it's gonna prove me right.

And would you look at that? It does! Mulder had sex with that British chick from The Flash, and practically got burned alive while getting his partner all cranky. (We've all noticed, by the way, that The Flash is now playing Dawson's dad, right?) Skinner had sex with a hooker -- accidentally, though -- and was thence suspected of her murder when some mythological chick with a crush got jealous. Scully had sex with the extremely unstable Ed Jerse, played by Rodney Rowland, and -- well, even though he ended up trying to kill her at the behest of "Special Guest Star" Jodie Foster, there really wasn't any bad there, was there? Damn. But... he did try to kill her... nope. No bad.

What about in Star Trek, then? That Captain Kirk had sex with half the Alpha Quadrant, and managed to charm at least a dozen various sentient robots into self-destructing, so on the surface, it looks like the sex thing was working for him. But... sorry, no. Poor ol' James T. has justly been accused of having a one-track mind, but on that track was his starship, the sadly deceased U.S.S. Enterprise, for which his passion was overwhelming... and, you know what? I'm gonna end that thought before it even begins.

In later incarnations of the Trek, sex became even more essential to the plots, and still no one ever ended up having very much of it. Every time a couple would get involved one of them would either die, be transferred, or just get so incredibly dull (I'm looking at you, B'Elanna Torres) that no one really cared what happened with them anymore.

Babylon 5, at least, cannot be accused of letting a character get boring. But, still, sex wasn't doing any of them much good either. Ivanova finally let down her guard and fell in love with the telepathic Talia Winters only to be betrayed by subconscious commands placed in Talia's mind. When the bizarre Lyta Alexander (Patricia Tallman) got involved with revolutionary leader Byron, she didn't actually expect him to live did she? And as for Sheridan (Bruce Boxleitner) and Delenn (Mira Furlan) -- well, their marriage may have been a long and happy one, but you try running an intergalactic alliance knowing all the while to the very day when one of you is destined to die...

I knew I was right about this! I didn't want to be right, you know!

In fact, I think we need to expand this search for happiness in genre farther afield. How far? I'm talking Lois and Clark: The New Adventures of Superman far. Here, surely, in the land of comic book television, we can find some good old-fashioned contentment? Superficially, it would seem so. The title characters finally got together -- after Lois (Teri Hatcher) saw through Clark's (Dean Cain) cunning disguise with her keen journalistic skill -- and then they got married. But, in a disturbingly I Dream of Jeannie turn of events, everyone then stopped watching -- which is the very reason Dean Cain can now be seen hosting Ripley's Believe It Or Not. (The Flash is Dawson's dad, Dean Cain is the poor man's Robert Stack -- they were superheroes, man! Do they have no shame?) It seems that no one was at all interested in watching the Man of Steel and the Bond Girl in marital bliss, so the show was cancelled. Which, of course, is the very reason that none of our favourite couples are ever going to get together, you realise this, yes? Damn you, fickle Lois and Clark fans!

But let's talk more about Buffy. Don't you love that topic? Haven't you missed it so?

These days Buffy's Willow, bereft of Oz and getting deeper into the ways of magic, is building something of a relationship with new Witchy Woman, Tara. Eyes perpetually downcast -- perhaps to hide her scheming heart? -- shy and diffident Tara has already earned a secret place in Willow's affections; soon we shall discover just how deep it goes. Producer Whedon, in an uncharacteristically forthcoming mood, recently informed fans on the official Buffy site's posting board that Willow and Tara were definitely getting romantic. To which I say: Watch out, Tara! The last time a character came out on Buffy, he ended up very dead. (R.I.P. Larry.) Of course, the last time anyone did anything on Buffy they ended up very dead too, but still...

Willow's interest in the Sapphic, meanwhile, should not really come as too much of a surprise to the attentive viewer. In the third season episode "Doppelgangland" -- which saw Willow's alternate-universe vampire self in Sunnydale, kicking local butt and swanning about the place in a lot of leather -- Willow observes of her double: "I'm so evil! And skanky! And I think I'm kinda gay."

Clever foreshadowing indeed. And a very clever, quite bold, plot development.

For all the talk of how genre allows creators to explore some of the more taboo subjects in life, and to give free reign to liberality without concern for censors, homosexuality is not a topic that has ever been much addressed. While shows like Star Trek have devoted a few episodes to the issue (the excellent Next Generation effort "The Outcast" springs to mind), they have been just that. Episodes. From over thirty main characters in four different series, not one Trekian has ever played for the home team. And a similar story exists in Babylon 5. While that show did have two main characters involved in a same-sex relationship, it only did so by having one of them under the influence of mind control and the other a female military officer -- so, of course she was gay!

It is to be hoped that the Mutant Enemy folks will deal with this sensitive issue -- and why it should be a sensitive issue I have no idea -- with less recourse to cliché. However they do it, though, I think it's pretty safe to say that it will not end happily.

But then, neither have some of the great loves of genre TV history...

Some Great Loves of Genre TV History:

Buffy and Angel: 
The forbidden love of this impossibly beautiful pair has made the WB's Buffy the Vampire Slayer the success it is today. Their tempestuous, tortured love -- well, it does involve a teenage demon-fighter and a centuries old demon -- has lasted through evilness, betrayal, separation and even Marc Blucas. The bitter-sweet Angel episode "I Will Remember You" fulfilled the dreams of Fan Fiction writers everywhere and made Angel human, free of pesky sex-restricting curses -- but did anyone really think that situation could last? While Buffy may have since returned to the camouflage-clad arms of Riley, for now, we all know that Angel is far from being out of her heart. And as for Angel -- well, if he gets together with that boring "She" chick, I will be very unimpressed. He can do better.

Delenn and Sheridan: 
As Babylon 5's leading couple and joint defenders of the galaxy, President Sheridan and Ambassador Delenn had some trying times. When the series ended, and the appointed hour for Sheridan's death approached, their soft words to each other couldn't help but bring a tear to even the most jaded of eyes.

Sheridan: "Good night, my love, the brightest star in my sky."
Delenn: "Good night, you who are my sky, my sun and my moon."

Sob.

Riker and Troi: 
Right from the very first episode of Star Trek: The Next Generation we knew that there was some history between these two officers. Over the series' seven year run it was only occasionally explored, but there were always enough Riker (Jonathan Frakes) and Troi (Marina Sirtis) moments to keep the shippers happy. And then came the payoff; Star Trek: Insurrection may have sucked as a movie, but it will always be notable for the Bath Scene that finally enabled those who cared to see Troi and Riker bathe together. What do you mean that doesn't include you?

Dax and Worf: 
In the Star Trek: Deep Space Nine episode "Looking for Par'Mach in All The Wrong Places" (Does it help if I explain that "par'mach" means "love" in Klingon? Or does it just disturb you that I know the meaning of a word in Klingon?) Dax (Terry Farrell) and Worf (Michael Dorn) got into some serious ritual Klingon mating -- requiring a trip to the Infirmary and a good lie down afterwards -- and, in a later episode, got themselves legally wedded. But the course of true love is just not allowed to run smooth, dammit, so Jadzia died and Worf practically went into a decline. Klingons, huh?

Dax and Julian: 
Lest you think that Dax was a total hussy, I hasten to add that it was Ezri Dax (Nicole de Boer) who, in the final, stirring days of Star Trek: Deep Space Nine finally realised Dr. Bashir's (Alexander Siddig) series-long ambition of discovering whether or not those Trill spots went all the way down. (But how come he didn't know? Some doctor he is!) This was a classic case of friends becoming lovers, and not even their utter lack of palpable chemistry could diminish their cuteness. Plus, that Alexander Siddig is a babe.

Scully and Mulder: 
The poster-children for UST, no one could make a random glance or gesture convey a world of caring like Dana Scully and Fox Mulder of The X-Files. Okay, so they're now mockeries of their former selves, but, really, when Mulder sat by Scully's hospital bedside that one, oh, dozen times -- and vice versa -- holding a pale hand and gazing soulfully at the sleeping form, how could you help but get choked up?

Plus, The Kiss! The Kiss, baby! It was so sweet... and, in Mulder's words "The world didn't end." Then again, Scully sure looked like she wouldn't have minded an apocalypse at right about that moment, which can't help but make one wonder about Mulder.

Michael and Nikita: 
Yes, it's a spy thriller, and yes, it's on USA, but there is something infectious about the digitized conspiracy world of La Femme Nikita -- most probably the searing relationship of Operatives Michael (Roy Dupuis) and Nikita (Peta Wilson) themselves. Their dangerous liaison is full of heat, and though the acting is merely serviceable, when the beautiful Nikita and oddly-compelling Michael are locked in a passionate night of post-mission...er... de-briefing, that is of no concern. Of course, there are those who scoff at La Femme Nikita for being merely a show based on an under-appreciated film... the word Buffy mean anything to you people?

Michael and Lisa: 
In the very cool CBS series Now and Again, John Goodman traded in his body for that of the delicious Eric Close, and then got his mourning wife (Margaret Colin) in a clinch that was pretty much designed to sustain any viewer's pulse-rate even through a full hour of Diagnosis Murder. These characters were married for years, yet not only did they get to kiss for the first time, but they did it so well that the tops nearly exploded off our heads. On CBS? Meanwhile, the claim that Eric Close's character of Michael Wiseman is the perfect man? Well, no argument here.

Nick and Natalie: 
In a tragic final episode that left no one in doubt of a "Save Our Show" campaign's futility, Detective Nick Knight and Dr. Natalie Lambert realised, at least, the very depths of their great love for each other -- and died. As Nat gave her life for vampire Nick, a heart-wrenching "NO!" was ripped from the lungs of discerning viewers everywhere, and not even the wholesale carnage wrought in the series from the second season on could have prepared the true Forever Knight fan for this sudden proof of the title's complete inappropriateness. Leave it to the Canadians...

Mr and Mrs Robinson: 
Sadly, we never got to see it, but you had only to look at the sizzling chemistry between Mom and Dad Robinson to just know they were madly rocking that Jupiter II whenever those idiot children had gone off and gotten themselves captured by aliens or whatever. They may have been Lost in Space, but they were also lost in each other. And, considering the hairstyles? Well, it must have been love.

Were these couples the only reasons we watched the shows? Well, no, obviously, 'cause what about Willow and Oz? Picard and Crusher? Dr. Smith and the Robot? However they, and others like them, were -- and are -- a big part of the reason for our fascination. And there's nothing wrong with that. Sex, sexual tension, sexual desire -- and various other states of being with the word "sex" in them -- are all a part of our lives, and so it is only natural that we respond well to characters who share the same wants, the same needs. And, okay, it doesn't hurt that they all look good. Damn good.

But the question becomes, is it all about sex? Are we really watching TV for the voyeuristic, Boogie Nights-esque pleasure of seeing our favourite characters get it on -- or is it actually about watching them become human? As these characters fall in love -- be in love -- we quite often fall in love with them ourselves. And even as genre shows steadily become swirling pools of unalloyed lust, at their very core is the most basic of human impulses, that most primal of physical urges. The need to have cable.

So, as the music swells and the lights dim, as lips lock and chests heave, we see everything our heroes are feeling, and we can feel it too. Love, lust, whatever it is, is compelling viewing, and keeps us coming back for more like nothing else on Earth. It makes us watch the shows we should hate and makes us love the shows we watch.

Like the song says: Let's do it. Let's fall in love.

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